After watching your episode due to air the 25th November tonight on E4, I was moved to write to you in order to address a few matters that I found troubling regarding the representation of the LGBT community of Hollyoaks (which is surprisingly numerous, seeing as there only seem to be about forty people in the village. Those gay dudes didn't even go to Hollyoaks Community College, they just had a lot of feelings).
1. You can't catch gay, you know.
2. Not all homo dudes like Kylie. Some of them do, but like . . . not all of them probs.
3. No-one says 'Sapphic Traffic' to mean gay chicks. Stop trying to make 'fetch' happen, IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!
4. Repeat #2 but ditto for trance music, tight clothes, rainbow-patterned things, all stuff nautical and seaman-themed (and that pun has not been funny probs since the late 1970s a.k.a. the era of disco & The Village People), hair gel, tattoos and saying 'fabulous' about everything.
5. Gays are not all scary and predatory like that Claudia Winkleman-looking chick and the dude with the eyebrows who used to go out with John Paul McQueen (whose name, incidentally, was LOLs) who were rubbing up against everyone in The Dog (or is it now 'The Jolly Roger', WTF?) like sexual inappropriateness was going out of fashion faster than Uggs did.
6. Rhys, all gay dudes do not want to sleep with you. This goes for all straight dudes who like to boast about how much they get hit on by other dudes, that is to say, pretty much all straight dudes.
Be that as it may, I look very much forward to viewing the Hollyoaks Later mini-series which is due to air tonight, as the trailer promises LOLs, Tony being a paedo, Nancy saying stuff that reminds me from Mean Girls, more gayness, plus Warren being a bad boy and Zach just being adorable (for a robbing nasal potato-headed little Scouse, anyhow).
Love and the Jonas Brothers,
Natalie
x
P.S. Could you please tell Josh that he looks about twelve years old in the 2009 Hollyoaks Hunks calandar, which is not a good look, unless you're trying to impress Tony. And tell Gilly he looks good and I fancy him a little bit.
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